Monday, February 11, 2008

I'm Concerned

I'm concerned. Dolly went too far. What happened to the rustic American values my "Coat of Many Colors" girl possessed? She started her career with "Dumb Blonde" and now she's released an album called"Backwoods Barbie?" I'm worried, people. A world where Dolly Parton looks like a melted Loni Anderson is no world for this country girl!

Monday, January 28, 2008

One of Them is Sweet

Rudy looks like someone... wait, wait.... I know who it is .....

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Return of the Rat

I am back! I had to abandon my blog for a couple of years, because I was working at a celebrity PR firm. I didn't feel I could comment in an uncensored way on pop culture while I was there, because of the reach of my firm's clients and their extended relationships. For example, in Country Music Video Roundup #1 With Tris and Charles, we made fun of Bon Jovi and Richie Sambora and their chicklet-like teeth- little did we know that just a few months later I would be working at the firm which represented them! Anyway I have left all that glamour behind now and returned to boho-land so I can freely note and mock what I want. It's funny, though, how being forced to read People, Us, In Touch, Star, OK!, Perez Hilton and the like every day destroyed my interest in doing so. It's kinda like how working at a punk label turned me into a Robbie WIlliams / Oasis superfan... Anyway, this post is just to say HI, and I'M BACK, BITCHES. In the words of Portland's greatest band, The Wipers, it's the RETURN OF THE RAT!

Monday, September 11, 2006

Vote for Frank

My friend Frank's book, King Dork, has been nominated for a Quill Award. There's online voting, so please vote for it now. It's in the Teen/Young Adult section, and you can also vote it Book of the Year. While you're at it, please vote for my client and friend Lane Smith, who you may know from his classic, "The Stinky Cheese Man." His book, "John, Paul, George & Ben" is nominated for Best Illustrated Children's Book.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Better Than JonBenet, Yes, That Good

1996 was a bad year for me. You know how you look back on the last year of a long, failed relationship, and, in hindsight, the entire year just should've been lopped off like a gangrenous toe? Well, that's what 1996 was for me. It was the skid marks *after* the lumberjack disrobes. I mean, how much could one woman take? But on December 26, 1996, a date that shall live in infamy, my attention was momentarily diverted from the domestic nightmare which had entombed me. Little JonBenet. Her death was tragic, but seeing as how I am an American and all, I used it as a delectable opiate to avoid my life for hours on end. Who did it? Was it Mom, Dad, or Burke? Did the pageants point to a darker inner life, and if so, were all baby-pageant people pervy? Why was the note written from a pad in the home? Why was the glass inconsistent with a break-in? And what about the magic number, $118,000? I have gone back to suckle on this scandalous milkshake at every opportunity, reading the books, watching the specials, engaging in long, drunken discussions with my friend Erika. If my enthusiastic spectatorship was tasteless and ultimately disrespectful, I apologize. To...whomever. I needed it at the time. But now that it's 10 years later, and we have this Ed Grimley nutjob emerging from his $170.00/month Thai sex hotel to tell every camera in sight that he did it, that he loved her, and that he had sex with her, I can't really stomach it. I hope that I am a better person, but maybe it's just that my own bummer avoidance abilities are diminshed. It's called "growing up" and "needing anti-depressants" and "experiencing life as though you were a lobster headed towards that final swim on the stove." And as a direct result, I don't get as much satisfaction from the garish parade on TV. Don't get me wrong, I am still in the Lower Ninth Ward - there is no higher ground in this scenario. When I read Andrea Peyser's unbelievably caustic column in the New York Post, "Doomed By Ma and Pa's Sick Ambition," I knew I didn't have the heart to follow the story anymore. And fortunately, I don't have to. There is a way, way, way better story beginning to surface, one that we can all agree preys neither upon 6-year-old girls, nor upon Jews via a post-Moonshadows muttering Mad Max. We have THE HYBRID MUTANT. The Hybrid Mutant is a win-win. It's a real life monster. Plus, he's already dead, so you aren't gonna hurt his feelings. The next time your life is making you think seriously about sprinting toward that rainbow bridge in the sky, just give the Hybrid Mutant a try. He has blue lips. Nobody knows what he is. And he is REAL!!!

Thursday, August 03, 2006


We all love our wines. But sometimes too much wines can take a handsome man from baby-faced hunkitude to wizened Jew-hating Unabomber. If you think you can handle the truth, pop a Vicodin and click on "play".

Saturday, April 15, 2006

It's Time To Talk About Katie Holmes

I am a very lucky woman. I have a great, devoted, funny, handsome husband. I have a nice apartment in Brooklyn. I have been blessed with relatively good eyebrows and non-offensive ankle and foot shapes. Now, my luck has increased about a millionfold. I have a new job that involves reading tabloids for about the first hour of my job. It's like I've been praying, and God has been listening.

So, you see, girlfriend, I was busily "working" this Friday, and reading the April 24 issue of US. You know, the one with Lohan and Simpson on the cover with the word "FIGHT" in 78 point. In any case, there was a photo in there which awoke the sleeping giant within me. It was a psychotic, repellent, unbelievable photo of Katie Holmes, in what is estimated to be the 11th month of her "pregnancy" with Tom Cruise's bebe. Just take a look.

Think about it, people. Back in October, 2005, she suddenly appeared to be 5 months pregnant, outta nowhere. With her bellybutton popped out and everything. Here's a photo from October 8, 2005, the first time she was visibly pregnant. Doctors estimated her then at 5 months. That would put her at 11 months now. Jigga?

Let me just say this: I don't think little girl lost is preggers at all. I think that the allegedly sterile Cruise found someone so similar to him in bone structure and coloring (dark brown hair, hazel/greenish eyes, olive/gold skin, dimples, etc etc etc) that if it looks like EITHER of them, it will look like both of them. And must I mention the ever-so-suspect HOME SONOGRAM MACHINE? What can the purpose of this possibly be? Except to explain the ABSENCE OF DOCTOR/HOSPITAL VISITS????

I'm telling you: there is a white woman somewhere carrying some baby - either theirs, his, hers, or just a look alike. Something is rotten in nuttervillle. One woman's opinion.